Parenting From The Middle | When Parenting Changes From Child To Teenage Years
SHOW NOTES:
Has anyone ever told you, “Just wait until they become teenagers”? Though intimidating at first, creating and maintaining a good relationship while continuing a structure of discipline and boundaries through the years of change doesn’t have to be bad or daunting. It is possible to enjoy and embrace parenting in every season that you’re in with your children, all while living a life without any regrets when it comes to the choices made while raising them.
Let’s talk about parenting from the middle–the shift from those once baby and toddler years to when parenting changes to middle school, teenage, and later, the adult years. Many individuals aren’t willing to do the hard things to lead their children in the direction of establishing boundaries, but the willingness to have difficult conversations while maintaining a good relationship with your children is necessary when parenting in the middle.
There is a common misconception that as children age, we can let off the reigns and relax a bit on our role as a parent. However, it’s simply not true–your preteen, teen, or adult child needs you in the middle more than ever–their needs from you as a parent just look a little different.
So how do you navigate this shift in parenting…when “because I said so” no longer applies anymore? It’s all about pivoting as a parent.
#1- Establish clear expectations–both positive rewards and boundaries with consequences.
To be clear is to be kind. Don’t assume your children know what is expected of them. Assumption sets you up as the disciplinarian, leads to a potential argument, and the kids up for failure. Clearly state, teach, and model the values that are important to you as a family. Make sure they know that it isn’t a time for them to believe whatever, instead reaffirm the values you instilled from the beginning. If you feel something that is against the value system and culture of your home is making its way in, address it.
Explain the expectations of responsibilities that you have for them, for example, their chores. Ensure there is a rhythm in place; create systems that set them up for success in each area of life– housework, academics, whatever that may be.
Additionally, set an expectation to have open communication. Can your children talk or come to you about anything so you can figure it out together? As parents, we should want to be our child’s first line of communication.
#2 - Set firm boundaries with consequences and follow through.
Developing a friendship camaraderie with your children is not inherently bad, but friendship cannot take you out of the area of discipline or parent in their life. When setting boundaries with consequences, be sure the consequences are realistic. When enforcing them, try to remain consistent, and calm, and be able to follow through. Make sure your children understand what they did wrong, and why the punishment is what it is. Help them understand that a punishment isn’t just a punishment, it’s protection for them.
#3- Start with a conversation.
Have the difficult conversations. When you are having the conversation, always collect as much information as possible so you have both sides of the story–hear their side, the teacher’s side, the friend’s side, etc. Also, don’t assume or accuse them–it may cause defense. Seek and be open to understanding them and why they made a particular decision. Ask lots of questions and watch your tone and body language. Be there to help.
#4- Communicate love and affirmation.
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Leverage influence through relationships. During the middle years, your children spell love T.I.M.E! Invest time in them, not because you have to, but because you get to. It matters!
Even when they may make a bad decision, don’t crucify them…walk and talk them through it with love. Don’t label them, just remind them that’s not who they are! Speak and affirm who they are in Christ. End in a hug, an “I believe in you and love you!”
Learn to have the tough conversations, navigating through the pivotal times from childhood to middle school and teenage years to adulthood–raise up your children in the ways they should go. Don’t stop talking, setting boundaries and expectations. Remember, you are a parent for life! Stick to boundaries and expectations rooted in love and what God’s Word says and you won’t go wrong.