Surely This Was Not What God Intended For My Life, But I Was Dancing!

I was providing for my son and me; I was doing what I loved, but I knew that this wasn’t right.

But let me go back. I grew up in Pittsburgh, PA in a very dangerous part of the city. I remember vividly being aware from a young age that I lived in a dangerous area and that danger was always around us. My brother and I were both beaten up and bullied multiple times. Our school was not even safe for us, and I left elementary school with experiences that no child should ever have to live through. By the time I was in 5th grade, I was sexually assaulted once, and another attempt was made to assault me. It was then that my “warrior mom” with unbridled determination made the life-altering choice to change our lives.

My mom saved us. She took a job at a local high school as a janitor and put us into a safer school and a safer environment. It changed the dynamics of our family. My mom was a role model of strength, and I credit her for showing me what a strong woman looked like. 

When I started my new school, the bullying did not stop. I learned to adapt; I adopted the behaviors of the other kids, joined the cheerleading team, and my outlook changed. For the first time, life started to look different. I had friends, loved to dance, and had goals and dreams. 

I was in no way prepared for what happened next.

Desperately trying to fit in and desperately trying to find fulfillment and love, I entered into a relationship that I was emotionally and psychologically unprepared for. I fell in love with the first boy who showed any interest in me, and I found myself pregnant at 16. Every dream, every plan--it all halted. 

But in the midst of the uncertainty, I always knew I was going to be taken care of. I always knew that I was protected--even if I didn’t know what that protection was. Just like my mom got me out of a dangerous school situation, I knew that my child and I would be safe, loved, and cared for. I just had a knowing.

At the young age of 17, I gave birth to my beautiful son, Alex. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. In a way, I grew up with him. I took care of him even when I didn’t know what I was doing, but I thank God for my mom and dad who stood by me, taught me, and supported us and loved us every step of the way. While I was finishing high school, my mom watched Alex, so that I could still graduate.

I took a job at the Dairy Queen to help support Alex and me, and then unexpectedly, I received a call from a friend inviting me to apply for a job as a dancer. I loved to dance. Formal training or dance classes were not affordable, but I instinctively and intuitively knew how to move. So, this opportunity seemed like a dream come true. The tryouts were located downtown at a bar, and I was not qualified for the job at all. When the music started, even though I had never heard the music before, I just started to move. I got the job, and my career as a dancer began on top of a bar.

Obviously, the environment was far from desirable, but I had a dance wardrobe, the hours were perfect, the Latin music was invigorating, and the tips allowed me to provide for my son and me. I didn’t see it then, but this experience, this place, what the enemy intended for my harm, God was going to use it for His glory.

I was still with Alex’s dad in the midst of all of this. We rented a small place in Section 8 Housing, and I felt as though I was back to where it all began. We were back in a dangerous situation; we were fighting all of the time; and I was trying to hold it together because I firmly believed that having both a mom and a dad together--even tumultuously--was better than not having a family together.  

Then, the tide and direction of my life changed completely with one simple invitation. 

A new friend invited me for a night of salsa dancing. At the end of the evening, he told me that I should apply for a job at Arthur Murray Dance Studio. He invited me to come watch one of their events, and when we walked into the event, I was stunned. I had never in my life experienced such an elegant world. I had never even been in a fancy restaurant--my idea of a fancy restaurant had been the Ponderosa. My eyes were open to a world that I didn’t understand, a world in which I did not know how to behave, and a world far beyond my ability to embrace. Yet, God had a plan for a life that I could never imagine.

When it was time to interview, I was extremely underprepared and terrified. I had no appropriate clothes or shoes to wear, no money to buy anything nice, and had no formal dance training. I ended up borrowing an oversized, navy blue pinstripe suit from my girlfriend’s mother, and did my hair up in twisted cornrows in the attempt to look my very best. I was terrified, but there was a knowing. Something---or rather Someone--was working behind the scenes, and He had a plan. Regardless of my clumsy appearance and lack of experience, I got the job, and His grace covered me. 

This exciting new chapter of my career did not fix what was happening at home. Nothing was going well between Alex’s dad and me. We had made a mess of things to the point of no return. My heart was broken. In a moment of complete honesty, I poured my heart out to my aunt. She gave me simple advice:  “If I could go back and do some things over again, I would do life much differently. Get off the train you’re on so you don’t have any more regrets looking back.” At that moment, I started to feel freed up to move forward. It was as if a light switched on in my head, and it’s never gone off. I was able to end the relationship with Alex’s dad. He moved out taking everything with him except a small box TV and Alex’s little mattress which he left in the middle of the living room floor. I was now completely on my own with a three-year old son, and it was up to me to somehow make life work for the both of us. With some help from my family and friends, we slowly began to piece our lives back together. I was in no way wanting a relationship. I was wanting to rebuild my life, and as usual, as I began to rebuild, God continued to work behind the scenes. 

For several months, my boss had been asking me to go out with him, but because I was aware of other women in his life, I was emphatic in refusing his advances. However,  as he appeared to resolve some issues in his life, and as I grew stronger and more stable, God began drawing us together. 

When we started to get more serious about our relationship, I indicated that I wanted to start to go to church. I wasn’t sure why, but, again, I had a knowing. I knew that we were missing something in our lives. David, my then fiancé  and now husband, and I grew up Catholic, but because he was divorced, he could no longer attend church. I was also “Catholic”, but Alex and I were never baptized. We had no clue what we were doing, but we knew we needed something!

When we got married, we tried to make church a priority. It was hit or miss for a while with the busyness of life, our business, being newlyweds, being parents--but God always had a plan. David’s aunt gifted us with a Bible after we got married, but we never really read it or did anything with it. One day, we picked it up, shook the dust off, and began to consume the Word. Our lives have never been the same since.

From the way I talk to the way I dress to the way I parent, everything has changed. His Word changed me from the inside out, and His Word changed my family from the inside out. 

Where my husband used to sing in bars, he now sings in church for the Lord. Where my childhood was a dangerous and volatile time, my children are in church every Sunday. Where the enemy tried to bring pain and destruction, God has created a beautiful story of love and redemption. 

The Lord has become my Encourager, my Deliverer, my Comforter, my Healer, my ever-present help in time of need, and my friend. And little by little, day after day, He faithfully continues to mold and shape my life (our lives) for His greater honor and glory. 

So be encouraged my friends. As He did for me, He will do for you. Know that regardless of the number of times you fall, He will be there to pick you up. He will never give up on you, so you don’t give up on you! Regardless of your inadequacies, your lack of training or understanding, God will not only bring you up to speed, but He is able to move you out in front of those who have trained their whole life for the life you will be living. He will give you supernatural acceleration. I love when people approach me and say, “You dance as though you have danced your whole life.” In those moments, I get to smile and say, “No, I dance only by the grace of God. I couldn’t do any of this had He not stepped in and picked me up out of the life I was living.”

He wants to take the broken pieces of your life and transform it all into something amazing and wonderful.