Boundary Setting
Do you have trouble saying “no” to people? Do you feel continually frustrated by the pull to be everything to everyone? I want to take a minute and introduce you to the concept of boundaries. A boundary is defined as a line that marks the limits of an area, or a dividing line. There are areas in your life that deserve to be marked with limits. From relationships to time, a dividing line will keep your values in order, your time manageable, and your soul refreshed.
Let’s take a look at relationships for example. People, although well meaning, often cross lines that they shouldn’t. Whether it is an outspoken acquaintance, a pushy family member, or a needy friend—boundaries enable us to love these people better. You may not be aware, but the boundary lines that you set, or don’t set, teach people how they should treat you. Relationships can be tricky, right? I mean we don’t want to come off as rude, disengaged, or uncaring. However, your ability to teach people what is acceptable to you is actually the best thing you can do for them and for yourself!
I want to give you some tips on how to establish boundaries in a clear, yet kind way, but first you must recognize areas that you may need some boundaries set:
Recognize the pattern of frustration. Is there a person that makes you feel bad about yourself? Are they always being negative or putting you or others down?
Is there a relationship in your life that operates off of manipulation? Are there conversations that tend to go between the lines and even become passive aggressive?
Are there relationships that make you feel like you never give enough?
Is someone else’s chaos bleeding into your peace through endless phone calls or text messages?
Do you feel like your time is always taken up by other’s sudden urgent situations?
If you answered yes to any of these, there are boundaries that may need to be established!
Remember, you can’t control others actions, you can only control your own response. No matter how controlling, manipulative, or unhealthy someone else is emotionally--you still control you! You have the ability to step back from the situation and see it clearly.
Once you recognize a boundary being infringed upon, choose to stay in a place of peace and love. Most often it’s the feeling of someone else invading your decision to choose or to feel that is most violating in these relationships. Stay in control! Choose to speak truth in love! If you operate from love (which boundaries allow you to do), you quickly neutralize the situation. Communicate clearly with truth to dispel any manipulation or miscommunication. You may say, “I do care about your situation. I am with my family now, but can I text you tomorrow? I am praying for you!” Or you could say, “I do love you and want to spend time with you, but I am busy until 3:00--could we connect then?” Love makes you immune from taking the bait of engaging in an argument, feeling badly, or bending the boundary line. Remember, boundary lines are not walls, so love must always be the center of motivation in communication.
Provide options. Boundaries provide options! When you speak the truth in love, you are staying in control of yourself. Now, you can think of options that maintain the comfort of the boundary. Maybe that is suggesting a certain time that you don’t take phone calls or texts after. Or, maybe there is a set day of the week that you call or visit family members. There are healthy alternatives to relationships that are both nurturing to their needs and protecting yourself and your time.
As my friend, Sarah Nuse says, “Clear is kind.” The clearer you are in establishing expectations and boundaries with others, the healthier your relationships will be!
Happy Boundary Setting!